A Round-Table Discussion on Hiding Your Money in Washington:


In Washington people are always dealing in information, money, and secrets. Sometimes you need to peddle information to get a seat at the table or to help write bills for your lobbying clients. Other times you need to throw money around, ingratiate yourself with the locals and take them out to a skybox and watch Gilbert Arenas score 40 points. Throw a fund raiser for your favorite legislator (i.e.: the guy who’s vote you need to switch). How else are you going to stop that bill that would help millions of people but hurt your client? Usually you tout these accomplishments and get patted on the back. But sometimes, you do something that you don’t want anyone to know about and you need to hide your information, or your money, somewhere. Anywhere. Where do you hide it? Well, we gathered up a group of Washington insiders with first hand experience in hiding stuff and asked them how they would go about hiding money or information in Washington (follow the link):

Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA): (writes on note, then passes to me) The best place to hide your cash is to break it into $10,000 blocks and hide each one in a separate frozen food container, then put the cash-strapped frozen food containers in the freezer. I wish we could stop writing these damn notes like the FBI is watching us!

Former Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX): First get a "Safe House" (use money provided by tribal gambling interests, Russian military contractors, and other shady groups that are represented by your BFF). Next let a front group set up by your former chief of staff run a phony operation out of the "Safe House". After that’s done you can easily illegally funnel money provided by your lobbyist friend through the group and into attack ads against the Democrat Party. There is one last important thing: When you get accused of breaking the law the best place to hide is behind a cross. Accuse those pursuing you of waging a war on Christians.

Lobbyist Jack Abramoff: Set up a lot of phony nonprofits. Give them honorable names and missions like "Capital Athletic Foundation", a nonprofit dedicated to helping children through athletics, or something thing like that. Then get your naïve and/or corrupt lobbying clients to funnel money into the charities. Use the money for whatever you want: negative campaigning against enemies or fund right-wing paramilitary operations in a foreign country. Or, of course, you can spend the money on the most important thing of all: golf golf GOLF!!!!

Former Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA): A good place to hide your money is in a shady real estate deal. Just sell your house at an inflated cost. All you have to do is write a few earmarks for the guy buying your house at the ballooned price and you’re golden. Plus, it’s impossible to find an earmark in legislation.

Rep. Alan Mollohan (D-WV): It’s true. I would hide my money in federal earmark legislation, too. Nobody can find it there.

Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-CA): Yeah, that’s pretty much the case

Iran-Contra figure Fawn Hall: A lady hides things in her blouse or her boots. And then, if it’s money, she spends it on heroin and crack cocaine.

Former Mayor Marion Barry: Did someone say what I think they just said?